oh, dear.

I haven't written a blog in forever because I haven't known what to say.

But from collected thoughts, I have figured out that the Breakfast Club was completely right when the line, "As you get older, your heart dies" was said. The line is seemingly over-dramatic, but true. I used to see myself in a way that I was completely sure and there was no black and white, but now I'm a complete wall of gray. I once believed whole-heartedly in things like love and personal moral standards, but everything had flipped and contradicting desires overpowered me.

Trust is for no one but myself. I don't want real relationships with people when I have distractions from emotions. Writing, even typing this blog pulls at me in an uncomfortable manner that leaves be feeling alienated from my grounded level. What matters to me now and where am I going? I used to know exactly what I was going to do, but now I have no idea. This is a typical but deeply troubling problem to most, but when it's you it isn't any easier.

My insides are turning gray and my simplest emotions are completely abandoning me now.
I wish I had hope like normal teenage girls, to chase boys, fall in love, get hurt and start over again. But I don't want to take the risk anymore, and everyone's a risk. But I don't want this wall.

I'm an indecisive and highly impulsive person. This leads to trouble.